Monthly Archives: August 2011

10 Mistakes Parents Often Make

While we all love our kids, in this day and age of two working parents and insane schedules, we tend to cut corners and neglect important things. That being said, here are 10 mistakes parents sometimes make. 

1) Spoiling kids…
There is no doubt that parents love their kids and want them to have all the things they didn’t. However, this comes at a price. A ton of well-intentioned parents have ended up spoiling their kids to such a degree that the kids aren’t even happy with all the stuff they have. This causes them to never be satisfied and always want more. Junior doesn’t need one more piece of “stuff”; what he needs is some special time with his parents. Think of it this way: how will they ever be prepared for disappointment throughout their life—or learn to be thankful for anything?

2) Inadequate discipline…
When you’re too busy or tired to adequately discipline your kids, you pass the “little devil” you’ve created on to your relatives, teachers, coaches, and his friends’ parents. Children should be much better behaved when they leave the house and visit elsewhere than they are even at home. If you don’t discipline your kid, someone else will—and you may not like it.

3) Failing to get involved at school…
School is where your kids will spend more time than any place besides your home. It’s also the place that will have the most responsibility for shaping their life—from teachers and your kids’ peers. That being said, how can you not want to be involved in what’s going on there? It doesn’t matter if it’s you or your spouse: your family needs to have a presence at that school. And don’t use work as an excuse—take a vacation day if you need to. Or you can take your lunch hour to have lunch at school with your child and maybe spend a few minutes in the classroom. You’ll see immediately that it’s time well spent. Always attend parent-teacher conferences, and you should have at least an e-mail relationship with their teacher. It’s a great way for that teacher to see that you’re interested in your child’s development, and the teacher can alert you to anything concerning that may be going on with your son or daughter.

4) Praising mediocrity…
While we all want to encourage our kids to do well and build their self-esteem, there is a point of going too far. Building a child’s self-esteem is great, but having a big party for a mediocre accomplishment skews what they view as a real achievement. One big place we see this is in sports. A participation trophy for anyone over the age of 6 or 7 just ends up devaluing the meaning of a real trophy. It happened in my own household when my children were young. I wasn’t against it then, but I have since changed my mind.  I saw with my own kids that those trophies didn’t mean anything, and they have long since been thrown away.  However, I do know that many parents disagree with this belief. 

5) Not giving kids enough responsibility…
Your kids should not be expecting any payment for doing chores around the house. It’s a home, not a hotel. That being said, an allowance is a great idea … for extra work. They should be pulling their weight as part of the family. If they grow up without enough responsibility, how in the world do you expect them to hold down a job, or get through college? When they get “of age,” make sure they’re taking some of the burden off you around the house—from unloading the dishwasher to emptying the garbage to making up their beds. While they’re not your slaves, they sure aren’t on a permanent vacation, either.

6) Not being a good spouse…
How you treat your husband or wife is very important to the way your kids will develop relationships, especially as adults. If you treat your spouse poorly, or if your only way to settle any kind of dispute is to yell and scream at each other, you’re teaching your kids to handle themselves the same way. Kids learn from watching you much more than they learn from listening to you. If you treat your spouse with love and respect, it will also show your kids the value of their family. It will also make them feel their family is a safe haven in what can be a dark, scary world.

7) Setting unreal expectations…
When dealing with kids, you need to set reasonable expectations for them—especially the little ones. If you want to go out to a nice dinner and expect your 2-year-old to sit there like a little prince, you are setting yourself up for major disappointment. Also, if you have visions of a football star and your son weighs 80 pounds and likes to play the clarinet, you need to reset those expectations. Don’t have unreal expectations for your kids: The main expectation you should have is for them to be happy.

8) Not teaching kids to fend for themselves…
Many parents tend to baby kids these days and cater to their every need, and that eliminates the value of hard work and becoming independent as they grow into adults. Kids nowadays expect everything to be done for them, from cleaning their room to band-aids for hurt feelings. Teaching them to toughen up and do things on their own doesn’t mean that you love them less; it means you love them more.

9) Pushing trends on kids…
Let kids be kids. Parents shouldn’t push their trends or adult outlook on life on their kids. Just because it was your life’s dream to marry a rich guy doesn’t mean we need to see your 4-year-old daughter in a “Future Trophy Wife” t-shirt. The same goes for the double ear piercing—that’s what you want, not them. Teaching kids about your passions is great, but let them grow up to be who they are. It’s hard enough for kids to figure out who they are in the world without you trying to turn them into what you couldn’t be.

10) Not following through…
Most of us parents have trouble with this one.  If you’re telling your kids that they’ll be grounded if they break curfew one more time, for example, you’d better follow through. Unfortunately, following though on punishments or promises makes your life a little more difficult, but building trust is what’s most important. If you’re not true to your word, your kids will assume anything you say is just talk. Then you have a real problem on your hands. You’ll also end up with kids who don’t trust their parents.  Just remember, be careful about what you say.  Be sure it’s realistic and won’t punish you more than your kids.  That old saying “Choose your battles” is especially appropriate here.

This column was adapted from an article by Craig Playstead, a freelance writer and happily married father of three living in the suburbs of Seattle.