Christmas is fast approaching, and some parents may be concerned about their family’s financial situation, and the money problems they may be experiencing this holiday season. This column is adapted from an article by Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman, parenting experts. I have used it before and have been asked to use it again.

The giving of gifts during the holiday season is an honored tradition. However, if you are wondering what gifts to give if you have to “tighten your money belt,” then
maybe the answer lies in the gifts that are given. Be honest with your children about your financial situation in a non-frightening way. But you can give them what they really want from you: presence, not presents. All children spell love T-I-M-E. What we parents can give to our children is our attention, our availability, our closeness, and our time.

Are you being fully present with your children? Can you let go of your worries about money? Can you suspend your agenda to focus on theirs? Can you learn to be there for and with your children?

Consider the following suggestions as a way to give the most important present this holiday season, your presence.

1. Be there regardless of what you are doing. The holiday season requires an added measure of balancing kids’ schedules, visiting family, and cooking as well as keeping up the regular requirements of work, laundry, cleaning, everyday cooking, etc. When feeling pulled in several directions, many parents turn to multitasking. Avoid the urge to multitask and strive to stay focused on the moment at hand. When you sit with your children, whether it’s to play a game, read a book, or just talk, give them your undivided attention.

2. Make a “be” choice. How you choose to “be” affects whatever you choose to “do.” When you are with your children, choose to be interested in what they are interested in. Choose to be happy that you have the time to focus on their needs and wants. Choose to be excited about the time you have with them. Even when misbehavior occurs in your children, choose to be glad that you have the opportunity to help them learn a new behavior or a new way to communicate a desire or express a feeling.

3. Focus on listening rather than telling. Children spend a great portion of their day following directions: pick up your clothes, make your bed, sit down, be quiet, go play, chew with your mouth closed, stop picking on your brother, hang up your coat, brush your teeth. To kids, the list of commands seems endless. Remember, children have valuable things to say too. Many times parents get so focused on telling that they forget to listen. Value your children’s opinions. Allow them opportunities to vent. Embrace their points of view. Invite suggestions. Listen to their voices.

4. Connect physically. Touch is a powerful way to communicate “I love you.” Get close and touch your children’s heart with a warm embrace or a gentle squeeze of the shoulder. Snuggle under a blanket and read together. Go for a walk and hold hands. Wrestle on the living room floor. Dispense hugs, smiles, winks, and an occasional high five.

5. Connect emotionally. Feelings are always more important than things. Create an environment where it is safe to be emotional. Encourage the expression of feelings. Allow your feelings to extend to your children as you share traditions, reflect on holidays past, and gather as a family. Demonstrate empathy, compassion and understanding.

6. Unplug from the electronic world. The television, computer, video games, and other electronic gadgets have the potential to create a disconnect from personal interaction. Stand up, walk away from the TV, and go shoot baskets, skip rope, go for a walk, read a book, play a board game or card game, or ride bikes with your child. While riding in the car, tell your children a story about the day they were born, relate a favorite holiday memory, sing, or play 20 questions.

7. Play by the kids’ rules. Play with your children at their level. Make mud pies, jump in rain puddles, roll down a hill, spray whipped cream on the kitchen table and join in the creation of artistic designs, and then eat them! Cover the driveway in sidewalk chalk. Let your children take the lead and change the rules of a game if they want. Know that play, no matter how childish or silly it may appear, is an investment in connecting with your children. Play regularly with your kids, and remember that the reason for play is to play, not to win.

Make a commitment this holiday season to give the best gift you can give by being present in your child’s life. Be active and interactive on a daily basis with your children. Be the parent God called you to be. Give your presence, not presents!

This is a column I have used the last few Thanksgivings; and I always have many people who ask me to re-run it, so here it is.  Millions of parents will pause this Thanksgiving to do what the day was created for – to give thanks for the many blessings that exist in their lives. Turkey, pumpkin pie, and especially the presence of loved ones surely will receive their fair share of gratitude. Parents will also give thanks for their children’s health, their own health, and the health of their other loved ones and friends. The abundance provided to us in this country, our freedoms, the opportunities for meaningful work, and the laughter of children will be acknowledged with thanks by loving parents as they thank God for their many blessings. Indeed, this traditional holiday does call for the traditional thank-you’s. But what if your appreciation this year took on a new look? What if the blessings you counted included situations that aren’t usually regarded as helpful, useful or valuable?  Consider the following. 

Why not be thankful that your child is behind his grade level in reading ability? This struggling reader is giving you the opportunity to read to him regularly at night. This evening ritual will help build connectedness between you and your child while at the same time modeling your love for the printed word. Great literature like The Little Engine That Could or Make Way for Ducklings can be shared as you simultaneously bond with your child. This opportunity can be an incredible blessing. Appreciate it.

Why not be thankful that your daughter’s soccer team lost their last game? It is important that your children have experiences of both winning and losing. By losing, children have the opportunity to learn to handle defeat and bounce back the next time. With your help, they can learn that winning or losing is not the measure of who and what they are as human beings. They can learn they are more than the score. They can learn that it’s effort, energy, and playing up to potential with good sportsmanship that defines a winner, not the scoreboard. Appreciate the opportunity the loss brings and be grateful for it. 

Why not be thankful that your teenager received a speeding ticked for going 45 mph in a 25 mph speed zone? Getting a ticket is not necessarily a bad thing…not if your teen learns from it and slows down her driving. If she takes personal responsibility, pays the ticket, and is more cautious about her driving, the ticket may well save her life or the life of someone else in the future. Bless the ticket and give thanks for its blessings.

Why not be thankful that your 8-year-old shoplifted in the grocery store? This is the perfect time to teach your child about shoplifting. Better now than when he helps himself to someone else’s car when he is 18. Teach him how to make amends. Teach him what to say as he returns the candy bars to the storeowner. Help him learn to articulate what he learned and what he intends to do differently next time. Bless this perfect time to teach lessons about taking things that don’t belong to you. Be grateful for the opportunity.

Why not be thankful that your youngsters track mud and sand into the garage and house? The next time you stand in the garage furiously sweeping sand and wishing that your children were better behaved; quietly remind yourself that one day you’ll wish you had sand to sweep out of the garage. Love the mud. Love the sand. Be grateful for the signs of the presence of children in your life.

Why not be thankful for sibling rivalry? “He got more than I did” and “It isn’t fair” are common childhood refrains. Hitting, poking and teasing your sister are typical childhood behaviors. Bless these opportunities to help your children learn how to get along with each other. Use them as times to teach interpersonal skills and the importance of touching each other gently. Sibling rivalry can be a signal that your children need lessons on how to interact positively with each other. Bless their unskillful way of asking for help. Be grateful that you recognize it and help them grow in working and playing cooperatively.

Why not be thankful that you got to stay home with a sick child last week? You didn’t have to stay home. You got to stay home. You didn’t have to take him to the doctor. You got to take him to the doctor. You got to make sure he received the health care he needed. You got to show him you care enough to drive all over town to the doctors, the pharmacists, and back home again. You got to be with your child while he was sick. Not everyone gets to be with their children when they are sick. If you did, chalk it up as a blessing. Celebrate it.

Why not be thankful that your adolescent asked you about oral sex? This is a great sign. It means your child trusts you enough to talk to you about sex. It means she is not getting all her sex knowledge from the street. It means you have been taking your role as sex educator in your family seriously and that you have moved beyond “the talk” to having an ongoing, honest conversation about the important subject of sex. Congratulate yourself. It is a blessing that you are willing to fulfill that role for your child and that she is responding to it positively. Give thanks.

Why not be thankful that your 22-year-old has moved out of your home? Did you really want to raise a 30-year-old Nintendo player who sits around your house all day sucking up Coke and pizza? Hardly! Your goal was to raise a responsible, caring, confident child who would move away from home when the time was right for her. You have been successful. Pat yourself on the back. Yes, it would nice if she had chosen to spend this Thanksgiving with you rather than with her boyfriend’s parents…but maybe next year. This year give thanks. Your child is a responsible adult. That is a blessing.

Why not give thanks that your child is spilling milk, talking with his mouth full, wiping his hands on his new pants, refusing to eat his vegetables, and interrupting his grandmother at the dinner table? It means you have more work to do as a parent. It means your job is not yet done. This is a blessing. You are still needed to help your child learn to pour milk more carefully, improve his table manners, learn to eat nutritiously, and show respect for elders. Give thanks for these opportunities.

Why not be thankful for your special-needs child? Do you have a child with ADHD? Is your son autistic or dyslexic? Does your daughter have Down’s syndrome? Is your child facing a serious health challenge? Your children are in your life for a reason. Perhaps God sent them to help you learn patience, understanding, or commitment. Perhaps they are here to teach your family about tolerance, acceptance of differences, or unconditional love. Their presence is a blessing. Be thankful for the contribution they are making to the world and to your family.

This holiday season remember that parenting is a ministry. It is a sacred role that you are being called upon to perform. Give thanks that you have been called. Give thanks that you are willing to step forward and accept that call. Appreciate that you are being shown the way. Celebrate yourself and your contribution to healing the planet by helping your children evolve into the people they were meant to be. Give thanks that you are up to the task.

This column is from an article written by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller, the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the country’s foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or obtain more information about how you can better meet your parenting needs, visit their websites: www.chickmoorman.com or www.thomashaller.com.

With the holidays coming, we will all be under a lot of stress. Also, if you are a parent nowadays, your “to do” list is never ending; and your idea of relaxing is checking Facebook every 10 minutes when you’re waiting in the carpool line.

But think about this: all the stress you carry around on a daily basis can affect your kids. A recent study found that stress is contagious between children and their parents. A child as young as one mirrors its mother’s bodily stress responses, such as increased heart rate.

And a study published in Pediatric Obesity found that parental stress is linked to weight gain in young children. Furthermore, a recent survey by the American Psychological Association found that 20% of children have chronic stress.

But it’s not hopeless. Children are very perceptive, so if you deal with your stress appropriately, they’ll realize that stress is something they can deal with too. Here are some suggestions from an article in Kids’ Health by Colleen Oakley.

Think positively. When you find yourself thinking something negative, replace it with affirmation. For example, rather than say, “I hope I’m not getting sick,” say, “I am healthy and well.” Shutting out negative thoughts can reduce stress. You can teach this technique to your kids as well.

Don’t wait. Most of us know good stress reducing techniques, such as eating healthy, exercising, and taking time for ourselves, but we often wait until we’re stressed to do them. Work on stress reduction every day, even when things are easy. That way, you’ll create a pattern of healthy coping mechanisms.

Unplug. Recent studies link social media use to stress levels. Try a self-imposed technology break. Limit screen time for yourself as well as your kids. Pick a cutoff, maybe 7:30 every night, after which you won’t check your phone or email. You may be surprised at how much more relaxed you feel when you are unplugged.

The following behaviors in your children may be signs of a child with chronic stress:
1. Does your child have more meltdowns than usual?
2. Do you notice an increase in fatigue, irritability, headaches and stomachaches?
3. Is your child sleeping poorly or waking up from night terrors?
4. Is your child acting angry?

All of the above plus your instinct can be signs of stress overload.
If you think your child may be overstressed, the book Stress-Free Kids: A Parent’s Guide to Helping Build Self-Esteem, Manage Stress, and Reduce Anxiety in Children by Lori Lite might help.

This month brings a lot of spooky activities as Halloween approaches. There are many ways to experience the magic of this holiday as a family, such as by sharing stories, attending community events, listening to spooky music, and reading mystery and scary books together. Sharing a few age-appropriate thrills and chills can a fun experience.

For some children, though, being scared is nothing to laugh about. Some children have heightened anxiety about a wide range of perceived threats ranging from animals to insects, characters in costumes, and things they believe lurk in the dark.

A certain amount of caution is healthy and normal for children. But parents should help kids confront unreasonable fears so they don’t grow bigger and scarier. Here are some ways to do it.

Respect feelings. Dismissing kids’ concerns isn’t the answer. Fear feels uncomfortable. Your child’s heart is racing, and he or she wants to escape to safety. Be your child’s ally and accept her anxiety. If she isn’t ready yet to pet a dog or sleep without a nightlight, don’t push it.

Search for the words. Kids can’t always express what scares them, especially when the body’s fear response is energizing them to fight or flee. Help your child identify specific concerns using age-appropriate words. Ask “What is it about the dog that worries you?” or “What might happen when the lights are off?” Defining the fear will help you combat it. You can’t devise monster-slaying strategies if you don’t know the enemy.

Find understanding. Fear festers when the imagination runs wild. The more your child learns about the feared situation, the less powerful his imaginary thoughts will be. Hold hands while you check the closet for monsters. Read about snakes or spiders together. Knowledge is power.

Stand up to fear. Encourage your child to argue against frightening thoughts or to repeat a calming phrase such as “I am fast and strong. Monsters can’t catch me!” Talking back to fear, either out loud or in your head, shrinks scary thoughts. One parent recalls how her son was sure there were creatures under the bed and in the closet. “We put a sign on the door that read ‘Monsters KEEP OUT’ and they obeyed,” she says.

Take baby steps. “The best way to face a fear is a little at a time, from a safe distance,” says author and family therapist H. Norman Wright. For example, help your child face a fear of heights by imagining the scary situation first. Then, move on to climbing a low structure, followed by a taller one, and so on. Give high-fives as kids conquer each challenge.

Be there. Kids need to know you’ll stick with them when they face their fears. If your child’s fears and anxiety are truly crippling, you might consider getting help from counsellor, therapist, or other child development expert.

This column is adapted from an article by Heidi Smith Luedtke, PhD.