April is Child Abuse Prevention Month, so I want to talk about how child abuse and neglect continue to be terrible problems. Abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or through neglect. Abuse happens in all cultural, ethnic, and income groups, and it is far too frequent.
In 2012 in the United States, there were approximately 679000 confirmed cases of abuse and neglect. There were an estimated 1,640 child fatality victims, an average of 31 children per week. 77% of child fatalities were under four years old, and over 42% were less than one year old. In 2012 there were 83 deaths in Georgia due to abuse and neglect making our state the sixth worst in the nation for child fatalities. In fact, homicide is one of the leading causes of death among children under age 5 in the United States. In 2012, there were 225 substantiated cases of child abuse in Whitfield County, and 80 in Murray County. In the state there were over 19000.
In April you will see pinwheels on the lawn of city hall in Dalton and the courthouse in Chatsworth. These pinwheels represent the reported cases of child abuse last year. There are far too many. There will be a ceremony at city hall on April 23 in Dalton and on April 28 at the courthouse in Chatsworth. If the issue of child abuse and neglect is important to you, try to attend one of these ceremonies.

Approximately one-third of sexual abuse cases involve children 6 years of age or younger. In the United States, statistics show that as many as one in 6 boys and one in 4 girls are sexually abused before turning 18. In 90% of these cases, sexual abuse occurs in the home or by someone the child knows and trusts. The child senses that the abuse is wrong but may feel trapped by the affection he/she feels for the abuser or fearful of the power the abuser has over him/her, so he/she doesn’t tell.

In school, abused and neglected children exhibit inappropriate behavior in peer and adult relationships, poor initiative, poor language skills, and other developmental delays. Victims of childhood abuse and neglect are at increased risk for alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, eating disorders, suicide, and sexual promiscuity. These children are more likely to be arrested as juveniles and more likely to be arrested for violent crime. More than three-fourths of the prison population suffered abuse as children. Abuse victims are 6 times more likely to abuse their own children.

Based on data from the Centers for Disease Control, the estimated annual cost of child abuse and neglect is approximately $124 billion. Although the economic costs associated with child abuse and neglect are substantial, it is essential to recognize that it is impossible to calculate the impact of the pain, suffering, and reduced quality of life that victims of child abuse and neglect experience. These “intangible losses”, though difficult to quantify in monetary terms, are real and should not be overlooked. Intangible losses, in fact, may represent the largest cost component of violence against children

Child abuse is against the law. Every child has the right to be loved and protected in a safe and healthy environment; and keeping children safe is everybody’s business. Child protective agencies cannot do it alone. As concerned relatives, friends, acquaintances, and neighbors, there are many things we can do to help prevent child abuse and neglect before it ever occurs:

Be a friend to struggling parents. Ask how their children are doing. Draw on your own experiences to provide reassurance and support. Offer to baby-sit, run errands, or just lend a friendly ear to listen. Show you understand. Give them your used clothing, furniture and toys. This can help relieve the stress of financial burdens that parents sometimes take out on their kids.

Be aware of characteristics of families in which abuse may be more likely to occur: families who are isolated and have few friends, relatives, or other support systems; parents who tell you they were abused as children; families in crisis or under a lot of stress (money problems, move often); parents who abuse alcohol or drugs; parents who are very critical of their child and who use rigid discipline; and parents who show too much or too little concern for their child.

Make a donation to an organization that works to prevent child abuse. You can donate money, clothing, food, or toys.

Recognize the warning signs of child abuse. These may include nervousness or fear around adults; aggression toward adults or other children; inability to stay awake or to concentrate for extended periods; sudden, dramatic changes in personality or activities; acting out sexually or showing interest in sex that is not age appropriate; frequent or unexplained bruises or injuries; low self-esteem; poor hygiene; intense anger or rage; being self-destructive, self-abusive, or suicidal; and/or feeling sad, passive, or withdrawn.

If you suspect abuse, it is your responsibility to report it by calling the Department of Family and Children’s Services and giving them the name and location of the child. If necessary, your report will be confidential. If you believe a child is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.

If you think you are in danger of abusing your own children, there are some simple things you can do. Put your hands behind your back, take 10 deep breaths, remove yourself from the room, or call a friend or relative. You should also join a parent support group, get counseling, and/or take an anger management class.

We cannot allow our children to continue to be trapped in a horrendous situation that maims physically and causes deep and profound emotional scarring that is virtually impossible to completely overcome. We MUST make child abuse prevention a priority. Please do your part to help turn the tide on this insidious epidemic.

Parents sometimes underestimate the value of play. In an effort to keep their children safe and help them excel, many parents keep their children very busy in structured activities, academic pursuits, and passive activities indoors. Although reading, homework, and organized arts and sports are all important to a child’s development, so is the opportunity to play outside. Free play is essential in a child’s overall development. It helps children develop creativity and problem-solving abilities; it strengthens their cognitive and social skills; it cultivates initiative and independence; it teaches emotional control; it helps develop motor coordination; and it helps children gain confidence as they explore their world. Play is also a great antidote to obesity, providing physical activity that makes our children strong.

“The earliest forms of physical exercise are a baby and toddler’s simple efforts to explore objects and concepts like space, distance, speed, time and weight,” explains Peter A. Gorski, MD, MPA, the chief health and child development officer for The Children’s Trust. “As children grow, play becomes the vehicle for continued activity, helping to increase coordination, strength, and skill.”

Playing indoors can also be valuable, especially if you provide inexpensive playthings that encourage creativity and self-expression, such as blocks, dress-up clothes, and art supplies. But there is nothing like fresh air and sunshine to bring out the best in your child.

If you don’t take your child outdoors very often, you are not alone. A recent study found that half of the preschoolers in this country do not go outside with a parent daily to play. The study noted that outdoor activity is important to child health and development and that improvement in this area is needed in the interest of our children.

The weather here will be improving with the coming of spring, so plan to takeyour children outside for some fun and games, whether in your backyard, in your neighborhood, or at a park or playground. But even when it’s cold outside, don’t let that prevent you from letting your child play outside. Research has shown, and doctors will tell you, that cold weather does not cause colds or other illnesses. People in cold climates such as Alaska and Canada have no more winter colds or other similar ailments than people living in a warm climate. In fact, cold weather actually appears to stimulate the immune system, according to a study by the Army Research Institute of Environmental Medicine.

Letting children play outside is a great strategy if a parent is trying to encourage more physical activity. When prompted to play outside, children naturally engage in physical activities that they enjoy, Dr. Gorski says. “This remains true throughout adult life,” he says. “Ask anyone who has engaged in exercise because they felt they had to, as opposed to folks who pursue an active lifestyle because that brings them pleasure. The former are likely to stop and start repeatedly with unsatisfying results. The latter group weaves physical activity into their lives naturally and playfully as they pursue their favorite hobbies.” If children see play as something fun, they will be much more likely to engage in some form of regular physical activity their whole lives.

The fact that playing outside is so critical to a child’s development is the reason many pediatricians and child development experts are worried about the trend in some school systems across the country to cut back or eliminate recess. Free play outdoors is a learning activity if supervised properly.

The earlier you start encouraging physical activity, the more natural it will be for your children — and the greater the likelihood they will stay active through their teen years and into adulthood.

One of the keys is not to get too serious. It should be all about fun. “Playing together is a great way to keep kids interested in being active,” says Suzanna Rose, PhD, executive director of the School of Integrated Science & Humanity at Florida International University. “We teach parents that they don’t need expensive equipment or a big backyard to play active games. The secret is to make active games and play a part of the child’s daily routine.”

We are a little over a month into the new year, but it’s still not too late for new year’s resolutions.  The following healthy new year’s resolutions for kids are from the American Academy of Pediatrics.   

 Preschoolers

• I will clean up my toys and put them where they belong. 
• I will brush my teeth twice a day, and wash my hands after going to the bathroom and before eating.
• I won’t tease dogs or other pets – even friendly ones. I will avoid being bitten by keeping my fingers and face away from their mouths.
• I will talk with my parent or a trusted adult when I need help, or when I’m scared.
• I will be nice to other kids who need a friend or who look sad or lonely.

Kids, 5 to 12 years old

• I will drink reduced-fat milk and water every day, and drink soda and fruit drinks only at special times.
• I will put on sunscreen before I go outdoors on bright, sunny days. I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I’m playing sports.
• I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (like playing tag, jumping rope, dancing or riding my bike) that I like and do it at least three times a week!
  
• I will always wear a helmet when riding a bike.
• I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car. I’ll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.
  
• I’ll be friendly to kids who may have a hard time making friends by asking them to join activities such as sports or games.
  
• I will never encourage or even watch bullying, and will join with others in telling bullies to stop.
• I’ll never give out private information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet. Also, I’ll never send a picture of myself to someone I chat with on the computer without asking my parent if it is okay.
  
• I will try to talk with my parent or a trusted adult when I have a problem or feel stressed.
  
• I promise to follow our household rules for videogames, TV, and internet use.

Kids, 13 years old and older

• I will try to eat two servings of fruit and two servings of vegetables every day, and I will drink sodas only at special times.
• I will take care of my body through physical activity and eating the right types and amounts of foods.
• I will choose non-violent television shows and video games, and I will spend only one to two hours each day – at the most – on these activities.  I promise to follow our household rules for videogames and internet use.
  
• I will help out in my community – through giving some of my time to help others, working with community groups or by joining a group that helps people in need.
  
• When I feel angry or stressed out, I will take a break and find helpful ways to deal with the stress, such as exercising, reading, writing in a journal or talking about my problem with a parent or friend.
• When faced with a difficult decision, I will talk about my choices with an adult whom I can trust.
  
• When I notice my friends are struggling, being bullied or making risky choices, I will talk with a trusted adult and attempt to find a way that I can help them.
  
• I will be careful about whom I choose to date, and always treat the other person with respect and without forcing them to do something or using violence. I will expect to be treated the same way in return.
• I will resist peer pressure to try tobacco-cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol.
   
• I agree not to use a cell phone or text message while driving and to always use a seat belt.

Parents, resolve to go over these resolutions with your kids and help them remember to practice them.

The recent incident with pro football player Adrian Peterson beating his 4 year old son has brought the whole issue of corporal punishment to the forefront.  For those who may not know what happened, Peterson stuffed his child’s mouth with leaves so he couldn’t yell and beat him with a stick so that the child had lacerations on his legs, back, and even his scrotum.  The child had defensive wounds on his hands and arms.  When the mother took the child to the emergency room, a pediatrician made a child abuse referral.  Peterson was indicted.  What is almost as appalling to me, and many others, as the brutality of what Peterson did is the fact that some people are actually defending him for this despicable act.  They say he was only disciplining his child. Many parents believe spankings and other forms of physical punishment are acceptable because that’s how they were raised, and, they say, “I turned out all right.”  Some people even get angry and defensive if you try to talk to them about not hitting their children.

Although spankings and other physical punishments may get a child’s immediate attention, they don’t provide the kind of positive guidance needed to help children grow into their best selves, experts say. Most parents love their children and want the best for them but hit them because they believe that technique works. But experts agree that it works only in the moment and actually can cause long-term damage.

Research clearly shows that kids who are subjected to physical punishment have more trouble in life, not less, as parents would hope. “The use of physical punishment has been linked to negative outcomes among children and adolescents including delinquency, substance abuse, antisocial behaviour, and psychological problems,” says Elana Mansoor, PsyD, an assistant professor of clinical pediatrics at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine and the co-director of the Families First Network.

To a child, physical punishment can seem inconsistent, based on how stressed the parent is that day, or on whether the parent is mildly irritated or very angry. “A parent’s force may be influenced by their own emotions, which can vary from incident to incident,” Mansoor explains. Plus, she says, “The unpredictable nature of hitting may lead to unintentional injury.”

Perhaps that is what happened with Adrian Peterson. In statements after he was charged with injuring his child, he said, “When I disciplined my son the way I was disciplined as a child, I caused an injury that I never intended,” and, “I won’t ever use a switch again…There’s so many different ways to discipline your child…timeout, taking their toys away….”

Physical punishment can teach children many unintended lessons. For example, often parents say to their child, as they hit them, “This hurts me more than it hurts you,” or, “I’m only doing this because I love you.” But what does that teach the children? It teaches them that this is what people do when they love you — they hit.  Could that be one reason domestic and child abuse are so rampant in this country?

Discipline is one of the defining elements of parenting. It is fundamental to the parent-child dynamic. In its most basic form, discipline is about choices and consequences: You explain your expectations for your child, and, if he ignores these rules or expectations, there are consequences; and the aim of these consequences should be to encourage your child to stop negative behaviors, make positive choices, and ultimately become a better person.

Kids need and, I think, actually want discipline and limits.  Through discipline, they are taught to become responsible, honest, kind, caring people. By following their parents’ guidance, teachings, and rules, they have the chance to grow up to be well-behaved and respectful individuals. The big caveat: discipline and punishment are not the same thing. Discipline is a whole system of teaching based on a good relationship, praise, and instruction for the child on how to control his or her behavior.  Punishment is a negative: an unpleasant consequence for doing or not doing something.  Punishment should be only a small part of discipline; and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that if punishment is needed, alternatives to spanking should be used.

Here are five reasons why discipline is better than punishment.  This list was adapted from an article by Jay Scott Fitter, a licensed marriage and family therapist and a parenting expert.

Punishment is about overreacting. The urge to punish comes from within when you feel hurt by your child’s behavior—you’re looking to strike back and inflict this same pain, often overreacting to the situation. In the heat of the moment, Mom or Dad might lash out in anger or impulsivity, raising a hand to a child, instead of taking a deep breath and assessing the situation objectively.

Punishing doesn’t teach lessons. Once you’re caught up in the punishment mindset, it’s hard to think rationally or be compassionate. And it doesn’t help your child learn right from wrong. What specific “lesson” does a yanked and twisted arm teach? But treating a child with respect, talking to him and getting him to thoughtfully discuss the situation turns his inappropriate behavior into a learning opportunity.

Parents and children are mismatched. A big problem with an adult punishing a child is that the two are not equals. Yet parents often don’t focus on this inequality or the incredible vulnerability of a child. No one would argue that children are different from adults. They’re not the same size or strength, and they have less knowledge and fewer life experiences. What’s more, when parents punish their kids out of anger, they teach them that it’s okay to treat those who are weaker, smaller and younger with less respect. It’s an unfortunate example of parents modeling bullying behavior.  Maybe this is one reason bullying has become such a problem among our children and youth.

Children deserve the same respect as adults. Consider the dozens of interactions you have with others on a daily basis. Would you swat a co-worker or hit an associate because she didn’t do a good job, spoke out of turn or disappointed you? Of course not! In any other situation, you would react with a degree of self-control. But, for whatever reason, some parents react to misbehaving kids by hitting them out of anger.

Punishment creates a fear-based relationship. Consider the type of relationship a parent develops with a child and the example set in regards to problem solving. If a parent frequently punishes a child, a relationship built on fear is established. If a parent is aggressive and unpredictable, the child will become fearful and worry about what his parent will to do every time he makes a mistake. Moreover, this fear and anxiety stays with the child later in life. He may be waiting to be hurt and for something bad to happen.

Here are some positive discipline strategies from an article by Kiki Bochi, an award winning journalist and managing editor of Broward County, Florida, Family Life magazine.

Bottom line: Learn ways to correct unwanted behavior in kids and teach positive behaviors using discipline strategies rather than punishment. It’s a loving, respectful, and effective way to help them.

(Note: On Nov. 4, 2014, Adrian Peterson pleaded no contest to reduced charges of misdemeanor reckless assault. He was ordered to pay a $4,000 fine and perform 80 hours of community service. The NFL suspended the Minnesota Vikings running back without pay for the remainder of the 2014-15 season.  As of this writing, Peterson is appealing the suspension.)

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Tom Bartley is a retired educator and currently is the Director of Parenting at the Family Support Council, 1529 Waring Road.  For a copy of this article and more information about the Family Support Council, visit www.familysupportcouncil.com.

Last month, I talked about homework tips. As a follow up this month, I would like to address what to do if your child is struggling with homework. Many children come home with math problems they are unable to solve, spelling words they need to practice, assignments they don’t understand, and projects they have to complete.

Homework doesn’t have to be horrible, for you or for your child. Looking at your child’s work helps you understand what he or she is doing at school. It’s also a great opportunity to spend time focused on your child, your relationship, and the fact that you are on his or her team.

Homework should not be a punishment. Still, homework can strike fear in the hearts of many parents. You may not remember facts you learned in school, like significant military battles or how to cross-multiply fractions. Some things you learned are obsolete now: Pluto is no longer considered a planet, for example: it was demoted in 2006.

It’s enough to make even the smartest grown-ups cringe. But here’s the good news: When it comes to homework help, asking the right questions is more important than knowing all the answers.

Use these smart questions to direct your child’s work:

1. Do you have a written assignment to follow? Students may struggle with homework because they don’t recall what they were supposed to do. Make sure your child knows what the assignment is. Use the guidance provided by the teacher, so that all the objectives are completed. Encourage your child to track progress by crossing off completed tasks. It sounds simple, but these are very important organizational skills.

2. Do you understand what your teacher is asking you to do? Even a detailed assignment won’t help if your child doesn’t understand it. Make sure your child grasps the particulars before she begins, so she doesn’t waste time doing the wrong things. It’s important to consult with the teacher if unclear expectations are a problem or if your child seems to have no idea about how to do something.

3. What materials do you need? Tracking down materials creates unnecessary distractions. Encourage kids to gather supplies before starting homework, so their work isn’t interrupted by a frantic search for the calculator, scissors or glue stick. For easy access, keep items that are often needed in a box or homework caddy.

4. Are there words or ideas you don’t know? Your child may get stuck because he or she doesn’t understand certain crucial concepts. Help identify these obstacles and search for clarifying information. Encourage kids to find answers in their textbooks or online, rather than offering your interpretation. Students who can find information on their own become empowered learners.

5. Did you do similar problems in class? Most homework assignments are opportunities to practice skills kids learned at school. Direct your children to class notes and worksheets for examples; then review them together for a memory refresher. Kids should repeat the in-class procedures to solve homework problems. Shortcuts may lead to omissions or errors; teachers often require students to show the work step-by-step.

6. What is the timeline for completing this assignment? Kids may fail to finish big projects because they wait until the last minute to begin. Older children with assignments that may take several days or weeks to complete will probably need help in learning to manage those assignments. You can help your child learn to be a better manager of time. Clarify steps your child must accomplish and write due dates on the calendar. Kids should make their own deadlines for initial steps, like gathering supplies or doing research. Project planning reduces stress for everyone.

7. How can we break this homework or project into smaller chunks? Breaking assignments into segments can help kids get started and maintain momentum. Divide assignments into a list of tasks and, if necessary, use a timer to stay on track. It’s easier to read social studies for 15 minutes than to plod through an entire 35-page chapter. Short breaks between work periods will allow kids to stretch and refresh.

8. Where can you find the answer to the question? Textbooks use section headings, bold words, text boxes, graphics and summaries to present material in an accessible way. Smart students use these tools to locate answers quickly and to organize information. Help your child use textbook cues to hone search skills, take notes, and create personal study guides. Structured material is much easier to learn and remember than unrelated ideas.

9. How did you get your answer? Monitor the homework process by checking kids’ work. If there are errors, help kids self-correct by asking them to explain their logic or to show you what source of information they used.” If your child insists his wrong answer is right, then let it go. Errors show the teacher what needs to be covered (again) in class.

10. Where can you go to get extra help? Your child may be anxious that there isn’t an instructor standing by during homework. Let her know it is okay to reach out to you if she’s stuck. There’s no such thing as a stupid question.

School is now in full swing, and I’m sure many kids are having to deal with homework. It’s important to remember that kids are more successful in school when parents take an active interest in their school activities, including homework — it shows kids that what they do is important.

Of course, helping with homework shouldn’t mean spending hours hunched over a desk. Parents can be supportive by demonstrating study and organization skills, explaining a tricky problem, or just encouraging kids to take a break. And who knows? Parents might even learn a thing or two!

Here are some tips to guide the way:

1. Know the teachers — and what they’re looking for. Attend school events, such as parent-teacher conferences, to meet your child’s teachers. Ask about their homework policies and how you should be involved.

2. Set up a homework-friendly area. Make sure kids have a well-lit place to complete homework. Keep supplies — paper, pencils, glue, scissors — within reach.

3. Schedule a regular study time. Some kids work best in the afternoon, following a snack and play period; others may prefer to wait until after dinner.

4. Help them make a plan. On heavy homework nights or when there’s an especially hefty assignment to tackle, encourage your child break up the work into manageable chunks. Create a work schedule for the night if necessary — and take time for a 10 – 15 minute break every hour, if possible.

5. Keep distractions to a minimum. This means no TV, loud music, iphones, ipods, or phone calls. (Occasionally, though, a phone call to a classmate about an assignment can be helpful.)

6. Make sure kids do their own work. They won’t learn if they don’t think for themselves and make their own mistakes. Parents can make suggestions and help with directions. But it’s a kid’s job to do the learning.

7. Be a motivator and monitor. Ask about assignments, quizzes, and tests. Give encouragement, check completed homework, and make yourself available for questions and concerns.

8. Set a good example. Do your kids ever see you diligently balancing your budget or reading a book? Kids are more likely to follow their parents’ examples than their advice.

9. Praise their work and efforts. Post an “aced” test or art project on the refrigerator. Mention academic achievements to relatives and friends.

10. If there are continuing problems with homework, get help. Talk about it with your child’s teacher.

This information is taken from the from the Kids Health website.

We obviously have a very diverse community. For example, in the Dalton Public Schools, there are students from 30 immigrant countries based on student records from last year: Mexico, Dominican Republic, Japan, El Salvador, Russia, Peru, Guatemala, Nepal, Costa Rica, Burma, Ethiopia, Philippines, Cuba, Vietnam, Iraq, China, Pakistan, Korea, South Africa, Honduras, Ghana, Syria, Egypt, Colombia, India, Chile, Saudi Arabia, Germany, Belize, and Great Britain. I’m sure that in the Whitfield County Schools there is also a variety of countries represented. These students from many different countries provide our children a wonderful opportunity to learn about diverse cultures, customs, and other ways of life; and what a powerful educational experience that is!

So… along with your child’s growing list of activities will also come a growing list of friends, many from different backgrounds. Children seek a sense of belonging and acceptance from peers, and these friendships are a vital part of their development. Learning to develop diverse friendships is important for later in life, as these connections provide the roadmap for future relationships, teaching children to resolve conflict, and get along with others. When children move beyond simply noticing the similarities and differences they share with others, they learn how such characteristics — and people’s attitudes about them — have the power to make them and others feel included or excluded.

“Peer relationships are paramount to children, and this is when you’ll either see the embracing of differences or separation and discrimination, depending on what they’ve been taught in the home,” says Roni Leiderman, Ph.D., dean of the Mailman Segal Center for Human Development at Nova Southeastern University This year marks the 50th anniversary of the landmark Civil Rights Act of 1964. In keeping with the law’s spirit, here are some tips to teach your children to embrace diversity:

Model it. Talking to your child about the importance of embracing differences and treating others with respect is essential, but it’s not enough. Your actions, both subtle and overt, are what your child will emulate.

Acknowledge difference. Rather than teaching children that we are all the same, acknowledge the many ways people are different, and emphasize some of the positive aspects of our differences — language diversity and various music and cooking styles, for example. Likewise, be honest about instances, historical and current, when people have been mistreated because of their differences. Encourage your child to talk about

what makes him or her different, and discuss ways that may have helped or hurt. After that, finding similarities becomes even more powerful, creating a sense of common ground.

Challenge intolerance. If your child says or does something indicating bias or prejudice, don’t meet the action with silence. Silence indicates acceptance, and a simple command — “Don’t say that” — is not enough. First try to find the root of the action or comment: “What made you say that about Sam?” Then, explain why the action or comment was unacceptable.

Seize teachable moments. Look for everyday activities that can serve as springboards for discussion. School-age children respond better to lessons that involve real-life examples than to artificial or staged discussions about issues. For example, if you’re watching TV together, talk about why certain groups often are portrayed in stereotypical roles.

Emphasize the positive. Just as you should challenge your child’s actions if they indicate bias or prejudice, it’s important to praise him for behaviors that show respect and empathy for others. Catch your child treating people kindly, let him or her know you noticed, and discuss why it’s a desirable behavior.

Embrace curiosity. Be careful not to ignore or discourage your youngster’s questions about differences among people, even if the questions make you uncomfortable. Not being open to such questions sends the message that difference is negative.

Foster pride. Talk to your child about your family heritage to encourage self-knowledge and a positive self-concept.

Lead by example. As parents, we are role models for our kids. Widen your own circle of friends and acquaintances to include people from different backgrounds, cultures and experiences.

For more information, you can go to www.tolerance.org.

Tom Bartley is a retired educator and currently works at the Family Support Council, 1529 Waring Rd., Dalton, GA 30721; fax # 706-275-6542; or bartley10@windstream.net. For a copy of this article and more information about The Family Support Council, visit www.familysupportcouncil.com.

When children set and achieve personal goals it can affect the way they view themselves, and it is an important skill to learn both now and for the future. The new school year is a great time to start. But for many kids, goal setting doesn’t just happen. More often than not, it’s an acquired skill that requires the guidance, support, and encouragement of a parent.. Once children learn to set and work toward goals, they can turn today’s dreams into tomorrow’s reality. This information is adapted from an article by Denise Yearian, a writer who specializes in family topics.

Following are some tips to help:

1. Start early, start simple. Don’t over-reach. Provide structure for goal-setting by having your child aim for something achievable. Good goals might be saving for a special toy, reading a certain number of books, improving a sports skill such as free throws in basketball, or learning to ride bike.

2. Let your child direct. For the goal to be meaningful, it has to be something that is important to your child. Parents may give input, but the goal needs to be the child’s idea for him or her to truly embrace it.

3. Write it down. Make sure the goal is clear and sensible. Have your child include why it is important to him or her. Hang it on the bedroom wall, refrigerator or the bathroom mirror as a reminder. Get a folder or binder to chart progress; let your child decorate the front.

4. Get specific. Outline steps to attaining the goal. Help your child break the goal down into smaller steps or goals so he or she will feel a sense of accomplishment along the way.

5. Consider potential obstacles. Help your child anticipate hurdles and think in advance of ways to overcome them. If children know there will be road bumps along the way, it can ward off discouragement. Remind your child that obstacles are opportunities to learn and strengthen resolve.

6. Decide on a deadline. Set a time frame for attaining the goal. Have your child write down an approximate time frame for achieving the goal to provide a sense of urgency and keep him on track.

7. Monitor and chart progress. Have your child chart progress tangibly – with pictures, charts, or some other kind of record. Include symbols of your child’s

success such as certificates, medals, report cards, etc. The message you want to convey is that the journey is as important as the destination.

8. Make adjustments. Change the time frame, or even the goal, if necessary. Remind your child that there may be unforeseen circumstances that have kept him from attaining his goal in the allotted time. Encourage him to re-evaluate and continue on.

9. Be a cheerleader. Provide support and encouragement rather than criticism. Help your child brainstorm solutions if difficulties arise, but allow him or her to set the direction (even if you think it is wrong). Look for other ways to support your child without taking charge of the goal.

10. Be a mentor. Talk about your own personal goals – and the trials you faced in trying to achieve them. Demonstrate perseverance and discipline, and continue to set personal goals for yourself.

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Tom Bartley is a retired educator and currently works at the Family Support Council, 1529 WaringRd., Dalton, GA 30721; fax # 706-275-6542; or bartley10@windstream.net. For a copy of this article and more information about The Family Support Council, visit www.familysupportcouncil.com.

There are so many outside factors that can shape our children; parents may sometimes feel like their voice can get lost, especially when it comes to steering kids away from drugs and alcohol. But it is possible to stake your place as your child’s strongest influence, and here are some ideas of how to start.

Miley Cyrus, the once-popular Disney star who was idolized by kids everywhere, is now singing about taking the drug Molly, doing “lines” in the bathroom and partying all night.

With those kinds of messages in popular media, keeping your children on the right path may seem like a challenge — but it is possible. And the biggest step is to set yourself up as the most important influence in their lives; and the sooner you start, the better.

“Parents are the number one reason why kids don’t do drugs,” says Peggy B. Sapp, president and CEO of Informed Families/The Florida Family Partnership.

“Drug education is about teaching children self-control and responsibility. It’s not so much about talking about drugs as it is about positioning yourself as the parent and authority figure,” Sapp says.

Here, from Informed Families and the National Crime Prevention Council, are some ideas on how to build stronger relationships that will keep your children on the right track.

Establish good communication. The better you know your children, the easier it will be to guide them towards positive activities and friendships. Develop a genuine interest in your child as a person. Make time for his or her questions and comments, even if they seem silly to you. Talk to your children every day. Share what happened to you and ask what happened to them during the day. Ask your children their opinions and include them in making decisions. Show your children that you value their thoughts and input.

Get involved in your children’s lives. Young people are less likely to get involved with drugs when caring adults are a part of their life. Spend time doing something your children want to do every day. Support your children’s activities by attending special events like recitals and games, and praise their efforts. When you are with your child, be present in the moment. Put away your cell phone. Don’t worry about something else while you are talking with your child. If you are preoccupied, you will send the message that you don’t think your child is important.

Be a source of support. Help your children manage problems by asking what is wrong when they seem upset and letting them know you are there to help. Listen to your child’s or teen’s concerns non-judgmentally. Repeat them to show that you heard and understand. Even if you disagree, do not preach! You want your child to feel comfortable and confident in coming to you.

Make clear rules and enforce them consistently. Discuss rules, expectations, and consequences in advance. If a rule is broken, be sure to enforce the consequences such as taking away television or video games. This teaches children to take responsibility for their actions. Give lots of praise when your children follow rules and meet expectations.

Be a positive role model. Demonstrate ways to solve problems, have fun, and manage stress without using alcohol or drugs. Children really do notice what their parents say and do. Avoid contradictions between your words and your actions. This includes how you deal with strong feelings, emotions, stress, and even minor aches and pains. Actions really do speak louder than words.

Help your children choose friends wisely. When children have friends who don’t engage in risky behaviors, they are likely to resist them too. Get to know your children’s friends and their families. Involve your children in positive group activities, such as sports and other extra-curricular activities, church, scouts, and after-school programs.

As parents, we are, indeed, the anti-drug.

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Tom Bartley is a retired educator and currently is the Director of Parent Education at the Family Support Council.

When parenting our children, we should always keep the end in mind. What does “the end” mean? Although parenting never really ends, because our children are always our children even when they are grown, most parenting experts define the end of parenting as the time when children move out and function on their own. Maybe they move into a college dorm, get their own apartment, or join the service. Maybe they get married or join the workforce. For some children, it happens at age 18. For others it may not be until they are 25 or older. Regardless of when it happens, the goal is to have children grow up, become increasingly mature and independent, be able to handle things on their own, and eventually move away from home. This column is adapted from an article by Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman.

We all want our kids to become young adults who are self-disciplined, self-sufficient, self-motivated, and self-responsible. I don’t know any parent whose goal is to raise a 30-year who lies around the house all day eating pizza and playing video games. Most parents want a young adult who goes off self-confidently and enthusiastically with verbal and other skills that enable him or her to work well with others as well as independently.

So what are we to do if we want to parent in this moment with the end in mind? Here are some suggestions.

1. Give children continuing choices beginning at an early age. “We are having juice for breakfast. You can choose the pink cup or the blue one.” “We are shopping for warm clothes. You can choose the sweatshirt with the hood or the jacket.”

2. Do not do for them what they can do for themselves. Teach them how to tie their shoes, zip their coats, feed themselves, set goals, monitor their allowance, and speak up for themselves. Self-sufficiency should be our goal as parents.

3. Allow them to learn from mistakes. Do not intervene unless the issue at hand is health or safety related. Let them make a poor choice, learn from it, and move on. Little mistakes now are better than big mistakes later. Teach your children to view mistakes as learning opportunities, and you do the same.

4. Debrief regularly. Children do not always learn from their experience. The real learning comes from processing their experience. “How can you use that information next time?” “What do you think the real lesson is here?” “What would you do differently next time?”

5. Do not save, rescue, bail them out, or give your children one more chance. Allow them to experience the legitimate, related, reasonable consequences of their choices and behaviors. Allowing children to come face-to-face with outcomes they created is one of the most loving things you can do as a parent. Do it with an open heart. It is an important gift you give your children.

6. Teach your children HOW to think rather than WHAT to think. You have no idea what problems they will face twenty years from now. Nor do you have any idea what the solutions might be. When you teach them WHAT to think today, you rob them of their ability to think now and in the future.

7. Unless it is a safety issue, refuse to parent for absolute obedience. Having obedient children might appear to work well for you when your children are little. However, when they get older, many children become obedient to their peer group, and that can lead to real problems.

8. Teach your children to listen to their inner voice. “Check it out inside, Jane.” “What does your gut tell you, Sam?” “What is that wise part within you saying to you right now, Robert?” Having a strong inner voice (or conscience) built on personal morals and ideals leads to integrity and greater resistance to peer pressure.

9. Teach your children a feelings vocabulary. Help your little ones learn about mad, sad, glad and scared. As you honor their feelings with attention and empathy, you will be increasing their emotional intelligence. You will also be insuring that they will be better able to recognize, express, and manage their feelings in appropriate ways as they get older and their feelings vocabulary increases.

10. Do not expect or insist on immediate behavior change. Watch for and celebrate successful steps in the right direction. Inch by inch is how children grow. Enjoy it.

Using your present parenting moments to do what is fast, easy, and comfortable for you is losing sight of parenting from the end first. With an eye on the future, invest the time in each current moment to build the foundation and path toward competent adulthood for your children.

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Tom Bartley is a retired educator and currently is the Director of Success By 6 at the Family Support Council, 1529 Waring Road. He can be reached at P.O. Box 1707, Dalton, GA 30722; fax # 706-275-6542; or bartley10@windstream. For a copy of this article and more information about The Family Support Council, visit www.familysupportcouncil.org.